The Sonia Show

Yeah, so, I'm a spaz.

I just spilled an entire large glass of water all over my desk, soaking my keyboard and ruining my mouse. Eeek! I had to get a new mouse. Also, everyone in the office got to walk by my cube and point and laugh at me. 

The bright side, of course, is now my desk is super clean. No dust. I'm getting a clean start.

Yeah, so, a coworker just told me that one of the bosses in the office instructed her assistant to turn on her office light when the boss isn’t in the office, so people will think she is in the office.

I suggested that the assistant should order a cardboard cut-out or perhaps one of those love dolls to sit in her chair as well. That’ll fool us.

I didn’t watch “American Idol” last night, but I heard that the Dreaded One got the boot. Not surprising. I heard his rendition of “I Shot the Sheriff” on the radio. It was so terrible that I wanted to shoot a sheriff. It is rare that a song makes me want to kill a law enforcement officer, but yet it happened.

Instead of watching TV, I went to yoga with Kate. I heart yoga. I always feel so great after yoga. My DVR is getting packed. I’m still recording every new episode of “Battlestar Galactica.” I’ve still got five more to watch of season three, then I can start the current season.

In other news, Tony worked out all his divorce court stuff yesterday. Woo-hoo! Congrats to Tony and my sis, they are finally free of lawyers and court dates!

Office buddy Holly dropped off a City College schedule of wine tasting classes for me to choose from. She wants to take one this summer. Can’t say no to that.

Tarot.com says …
Libra: Your feelings are strong now, yet you may choose to keep them to yourself. You might want to show someone special that you do care, but would rather express it through actions instead of language. Keep all channels of communication wide open. Just continue to follow your heart, even if you feel awkward about it.

OK, so, good buddy Aaron turned me on to this website called Garfield Minus Garfield

Here's the concept as explained on the site: Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness in a quiet American suburb.

I am checking this site everyday. I never knew Garfield was so funny. Today, this strip maybe me laugh out loud in my cube. Enjoy!

Yeah, so, I just don't understand some people.

One of my coworkers brought in doughnuts. Someone in the office decided that they didn't want an entire jelly doughnut, so they cut it it up, leaving behind like two bites of a jelly doughnut in the box. I just don't understand this mindset; like somehow not eating those remaining two bites will make the doughnut less fattening. Plus, this person thought someone would eat these two remaining bites that are sitting in the box covered in jelly, looking like two bites of bloody flesh.

I just don't understand some people. What a waste of a perfectly good jelly doughnut!

My coworker asked me to write up a press release today on a phony property, just for some Friday fun. This is what I sent to her. The company's name has been changed, of course.

RANDOM REAL ESTATE COMPANY LISTS FAMOUS 150-UNIT APARTMENT COMMUNITY IN CONCORD, CALIF., FOR $25.6 MILLION

CONCORD, Calif., March 27, 2008 – Random Real Estate Company has retained the exclusive listing for the legendary Crackside Apartments, a 150-unit multi-family community in Concord. The listing price is $25.6 million.

Luke Lucas, a senior citizen and director of the firm’s National Multi Family Group (NAMBLA), is representing the seller, who may or may not be in some sort of legal trouble and in desperate need of money.

“Featured on several episodes of ‘Cops’ and the local news almost nightly, Crackside Apartments represents an excellent value-add opportunity for an investor,” says Lucas.

Located on the corner of Crackside Road and Bum Boulevard, the apartment community is situated on a 6.75-acre lot in the neighborhood affectionately referred to as “The Little Tenderloin.”

Built before there was such a thing as a Department of Building Inspection, this garden-style apartment community features studio, one-, two- and three-bedrooms units. Many units also feature a mini-storage area that residents may rent out to the homeless. Unit amenities include windows, carpeting, roof, multiple electricity outlets, smoke detectors (batteries not included), and spacious closets, which perfect for hanging clothes or yourself. Community amenities include a lagoon that used to be a swimming pool, portal to another world, pay phones in the hallways, family-style restrooms and easy access to recreational areas and drugs.

Co-worker: "... The agent was complaining about the press he got on one of the properites. The story wasn't that bad. I told him 'All press is good press."

Me: "That's not true. What about 'Dateline: To Catch a Predator'? That's bad press."

Co-worker: "You're right, Sonia. I will say that to the agents next time they complain about their press hits."

Me: "I'm here to help."

This conversation was followed by me imagining a creepy agent on "To Catch a Predator." "I've got a 150-unit multi-family community that is a prime value-added opportunity in my pants." Eek.

And, since I'm on the subject of silly agents and their complaints about press response to the press releases ... this is one of my faves. 

I write a press release. The agent says they don't want the price, the buyer or the seller named in the press release, then they complain that the press didn't pick up the story. Gee, I can't imagine why the press didn't write up something and slap it on the front page of their newspaper.

"Look, a real estate investment firm sold a property. I don't know for how much. I don't know who sold it or who bought it. What a scoop! Stop the presses!"

Yeah, so, my two-week gig here at this random real estate investment firm has turned into a year.

 

I can’t believe I’ve been in this cube for a year. Sadly, I still don’t really know what I’m doing around here. A lot of the real estate stuff goes right over my head. But the bosses say I’m doing a great job, so there you go. Who knew that I would be a good copy writer/copy editor for a real estate investment firm? Not me.

 

This would be a great job if we weren’t dealing with real estate. If only we were the communications department for a shoe company or clothes or food or movies or something fun. The people here are great … most of them anyway. The work isn’t particularly challenging, but it doesn’t keep me up at night either. Not a lot of stress here … at least not for me. No one is yelling at anyone. I’ve never gotten in the car to drive home and cried as I sat in traffic. The pay is decent. I don’t get sick days and the benefits are crappy. I know I can’t stay here forever. But still, it’s a nice gig that has helped me transition from a crazed, stressed out newspaper editor to a more relaxed, less angry person who gets home in time to have dinner and take yoga classes. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Happy anniversary to me. Some of the agents and regional managers are being jerkstores toward me. Shocker. Of course, the thing the agents and managers don’t know is that I don’t care. They can be as mean as they like, it doesn’t really register on my bullshit meter. I worked at The Ex! You think being short with me on the phone about a property listing is going to even phase me. Puh-leeze.

 

So anyway, I did my taxes last night. Sigh. I’m depressed. I owe $1,600. Hello, payment plan. So, I don’t think it’s a matter of deductions. I think it’s because I worked for Timec for three months and got paid with no taxes taken out. Before I entered the 1099 income, I was getting $1100 back. I may not need to change my deductions after all. That would be nice. I’m claiming 1, myself. That should be enough. I should be able to claim myself! That’s fair, dammit.

 

Tarot.com says …

Libra: This may be a challenging day for you peace-loving Libras, so practice diplomacy by building bridges between opposing sides. Pay careful attention so you don't make anyone angry with you. Remember, if the situation gets too heated, you can always back out to protect yourself without losing face. Being helpful is admirable, but don't turn the day into an exercise in self-sacrifice.

Yeah, so, I didn’t see the elimination of rocker nurse Amanda on “American Idol” coming at all. That should make allebaram happy. In fact, my bottom three was waaay off. Oh well. Eh, what the hell do I know, right?

Sigh. I can’t believe I have listen to another week of Kristy.

So anyway, the higher-ups around here have become overly obsessed with people’s comings and goings. They have the receptionist keeping track of when everyone comes in and when they leave. Apparently, someone is bilking the company out of tens of dollars a year by coming in at 8:35 a.m. and leaving at 5:25 p.m. or something like that. Lame! It’s made some folks in the office very tense and grouchy. It’s ridiculous. How about treating people like grownups and trust them to do their jobs? If employees aren’t getting their shit done, I’m pretty sure it’s not because they rolled in at 8:35 a.m. and left at 5:25 p.m. I don’t need to worry. I always work eight hours (well, I’m here in the cube for eight hours anyway). Yesterday, I got stuck in traffic. I didn’t come in until 9:02 a.m. (the receptionist wrote it down), so I stayed until (no joke) 6:02 p.m. (but the receptionist wrote me out for 6:03 p.m. because she thought it would be funny). Seriously, my office is turning into “Office Space.”

Last night, Chris and I went grocery shopping. There was no food in my house and I went nuts and probably spent way more than I should have. Never go to the grocery store hungry. We had some very delicious spicy lamb with whole wheat pasta with a few glasses of wine for dinner. I just love having Chris around to cook for me. If he didn’t, I suspect I would eat cereal every night, because I’m lazy.

Michelle and I were just chatting about Captain Jackass. For a few weeks I've been joking about sending him job listings for Baghdad. Now, I've decided that he should get a job on a fishing boat and we could all pray for the perfect storm. Just an idea ...

I see tickets are on sale for the Doobie Brothers and Chicago at the Concord Pavilion. Anyone? Anyone? Oh Concord Pavilion, now called the Sleep Train Pavilion, I would love for you to take down the evil Shoreline, but with acts like that … well, you are making it unlikely. This concert venue spent so much money on renovations and it still rarely attracts big-name acts. I think Eddie Money is still opening and closing the season. Two tickets to, errr, paradise? Rush is playing there. Duran Duran is playing there, too. That would be big news 25 or 30 years ago. I must admit though, Chris and I are going to see The Police there, so, ummm, yeah …

Tarot.com says …
Libra: Use this phase to connect with others, for the Sun is now shining in your 7th House of Partnerships. You have great potential to use your creative vision to get what you desire, so be careful with your wishes. Don't waste this opportunity, for it can set a stage that will allow you additional self-expression over the next weeks.

Yeah, so, my coworker left his oh-so important mug sitting on the counter this afternoon. It wasn't in the sink. It wasn't in the dishwasher. It was sitting on the counter. 

So ... I took his mug and put it on another coworker's desk. She busted out laughing and instructed me to hide it elsewhere. 

So ... I dropped it off on another coworker's desk and ran before he could tell me to take it back. 

Last I heard, the oh-so important mug was sitting on another coworker's desk. 

Does this make me an office troublemaker? I just thought it was kinda funny and if you are going to freak out about a mug, then you deserve a little teasing.

Yeah, so, the mug story has got some serious legs in this office. It's still the topic of conversation around here, so I quickly made this poster and emailed it to some folks around the office"

Have you seen this mug?



If found, please call [name deleted to protect the strange] at (925) 555-5555.

Yeah, so, not a big shocker that Stripper David got the boot on “American Idol.” I’m sure he can still get his job back at the “pizza bistro.”

 

So anyway, the supposed coffee mug situation in my office has become a running joke. I’ve been threatening to steal the mug from Rain Man, and sending him a ransom note with a photo of the mug wearing a blindfold, saying if he doesn’t drop off a Starbucks gift card with $20 on it in the breakroom next to the copier then he will get his mug back in pieces.

 

Cube mate Barbi suggested we leave a note saying the mug is on vacation and send him pictures of the mug in different locations around SF: the Golden Gate Bridge, a gay club, Ferry Building, etc. Hey, at least the guy gave us something to laugh about for a day. Thanks, guy.

So, I went to Trader Joe's last night. I love Trader Joe's. In front of the store they had a big sign that said they prohibit solicitors, so if you see anyone with a clipboard in front of their store you should feel free to ignore them guilt-free. I love that! Almost every time I go to Safeway there is some jerkstore asking me to give him money, sign a petition or buy her Girl Scout Cookies. I just want to spend more money than I should in the store in peace. Is that too much to ask?

OH, someone just walked by my cube with a box of Krispy Kremes ... Why, god, why?!?!?!

 

Tarot.com says …

Libra: Don't give up now, even if you can't figure out what to do. Your emotions are a bit out of control and it's hard to know who or what to trust. But this temporary confusion isn't necessarily problematic, for it also presents growth potential. You don't need to pretend that you have it all together if you're not feeling it. Your intuition can show you the best path to the other side.

Yeah, so, sometimes this office is soo "Office Space" it cracks me up. Apparently, one of my coworkers almost had a panic attack because (cue dramatic music) someone was using HIS mug. 

Seriously. He confronted the culprit and asked for his mug back while she was using it.

Why was his mug, which is obviously soooo important to him, in the general use cabinet in the first place? 

Weirdo.

Yeah, so, there is a line five people deep outside the big boss' office.

I saw the line so I just stood in it with a cup of coffee. Finally, my supervisor, who is waiting in the line, asked me why I was waiting in the line.

"I don't know. I just saw the line and got in it. Thought maybe it was the line to get Police tickets or something."

As I jokingly stood in the line, someone got in line behind me. I graciously gave her my spot in the line.

Seriously, that line is something out of "Office Space."

I'm going to get back in the line now ...

Yeah, so, today there was seven of us for ladies lunch. Five of us split two bottles of wine at the Chinese restaurant. 

Also, today we are celebrating February birthdays, so we get cake at 3 p.m. Woo-hoo!

Ahhhh, good times.

 

Yeah, so, I just noticed that I've been walking around all day with only one earring in.

I really am sick.

Of course, that's not as bad as the day I spent all morning in the Examiner office with a shirt that was inside out.

Yeah, so, I’m sick.

Sigh.

As a contract employee, I don’t get sick days, so I came into work yesterday and worked a half day. I’m back in the office today, dragging my germs around, infecting everyone. I don’t feel like I can afford to miss any work. It sucks. I’m a big baby when I’m sick. I just want to stay in bed and watch TV and let people take care of me.

Yesterday, I got home around 1 and got some spicy Thai soup at a nearby restaurant and watched almost all my DVR-ed shows while slurping down the soup with little Homer lying beside me. I took a nap, and then Chris came by to check on me. We got some pizza. I drugged myself, watched “Lost” (which was awesome! I’m so happy it’s back!), and attempted to get some sleep.

I say attempted, because, even with the drugs, I couldn’t sleep last night. Turns out, my neighbor really loves to party during the week. The neighbor and his/her friends love to hit the bars and then hang around in front of his/her place and talk, scream and do other loud things. They woke me up at 12:36 a.m., 1:12 a.m. and exactly 2 a.m., before they finally quieted down. I was thisclose to opening up my window and yelling, “Get off my lawn, you damn kids!” Grrrrrrrrr. They did the same thing Wednesday night, too. Sigh. Maybe I will get used to the noise level in the neighborhood. As of now, I’m still not getting any sleep unless I take a sleeping pill and it’s affecting my state of mind. Maybe an apartment right on the street is not the best place for me. I will give it some time and try to remain positive.

So anyway, I don’t usually take cold medication while at work. Cold meds make me really high. I get kinda hyper and giggly, and I have a really difficult time concentrating. Today, I broke down and took some, because I don’t want to get worse. I’ve got the Foo Fighters concert on Saturday and Super Bowl on Sunday. I don’t want to be sick and miserable during either of those events.

I warned my coworker Stacey – I mainly write press releases and articles for the public relations department, which makes her kinda the boss of me – that I was taking drugs today. She encouraged me to fuck around all day and look busy. She’s awesome! I’m going to work on press releases, but I’m going to work slow and concentrate, so I don’t screw up too bad. I don’t want to put in a press release that an apartment community has a swimming pool and a portal to another world if it doesn’t really have it.

Tarot.com says …
Libra: Pleasure comes to you in small increments now, yet it seems like you should be receiving more. You are tempted to overload your schedule, but this is not the smartest path to happiness. Working hard won't get you there any faster, so you might as well slow down and enjoy yourself when you can.

Yeah, so, I think I’m getting sick.

I woke up this morning with a nasty cough and a runny nose. Strangely, last night, I went to bed really early, because I haven’t been getting really good sleep since I moved. I had some wine, watched “No End in Sight” (very good, very frustrating!), took some Tylenol PM and was in bed sleeping before 10 p.m.

I also drugged the dog.

Anyway, you would think that some good sleep would help me fight off an illness. Oh well. I will do everything I can to fight it off.

I’m going to get my hair cut and colored tonight. I’m really looking forward to that. There is a little too much gray up there. Oh, and light brown. There’s gray and light brown hair growing in up there. I’m actually more bothered by the light brown hair.

It’s a coworker’s last day today and we are having a surprise party for her. Some folks have been kind enough to remind me that it’s a surprise party and that I need to keep my big, fat trapper shut. I ruined the last one. Not my fault. They didn’t put “surprise” party in the email. What? I’m supposed to be a mind reader now. I don’t really know this coworker. We’ve never spoken. I feel weird eating cake at her going away gathering, but, eh, what can you do? I mean, come on, it’s ice cream cake!

Tarot.com says …
Libra: Your easygoing attitude may be tested now as reality teases you with the possibility of reaching your goal, only to present you with a new set of delays. Don't give up or your previous work will be for naught. Instead of focusing on something that's out of reach, just try to enjoy what you have. The rest of the goodies will come later.

Yeah, so, I got a sneak peek at the seating chart for tomorrow night's office holiday dinner. Chris and I are sitting at the big boss' table with one other couple.

D'oh!

I better read an interesting book or having something fascinating happen to me by tomorrow or I will have nothing to talk about with them! Or maybe I will just get drunk and disgrace my family name like I do every year at my office holiday party. ...

Yeah, so, I don’t think I’ll be going back to Pasta Pomodora anytime soon … not that I’m terribly broken up about that.

One of my co-workers arranged a lunch date with our former receptionist. She made a reservation at Pasta Pomodora, a restaurant I’ve eaten at quite a bit, but never because I picked it. It’s a restaurant that I met many a Match.com date at back in the day. I just find a kinda bland, kinda plain. Not my fave, but I will eat there if someone else really wants to.

So anyway, even though we made a reservation, they made us wait 10 minutes. Then we finally get our table and order. It takes 20 minutes to get our wine and 30 minutes to get our salad. When the food finally comes, our hour long is up and we are officially late. AND, on top of that, the chicken in my chicken parmesan was raw. I ate a couple of bites before I noticed.

I got my meal comped, and the manager did send me out the door with a free to-go box of tortellini in alfredo sauce so I wouldn’t go hungry. Still, office buddy Holly let the manager have it due to the lousy service and got everyone’s lunch comped. It was most impressive.

I haven’t eaten my free lunch. I’m afraid to. I have let my imagination run wild with the possibilities of what the cooks did to my food.

And now, I’m just writing press releases and counting the minutes until the food poisoning kicks in.

Tarot.com says …
Libra: Your schedule could totally change today as simple tasks become bogged down in details. Your tendency now may be to try to do everything as you originally planned, yet it is more efficient to choose what is most critical and focus your attention on that. Don't get overly vested in the status quo; letting go of control opens the way for something newer and better.

Yeah, so, my coworkers and I got our invitations to the office holiday party. 

The party will be at a nice, Italian restaurant in Walnut Creek. Free booze, free food: What's not to like? Someone went through all this trouble to get the invitations printed on this nice, soft, fancy paper. It's like a wedding invitation. Too bad there's a typo on the RSVP card: "Names of attendee's." D'oh!

It took all my strength not to circle the mistake in red when handing the card back in.